http://www.breakingtheclouds.org/blog/?p=89
世上最无用的一句话
May 21st, 2008 by Jun
我喜欢读报纸上的＂知心姐姐／大妈＂类型的专栏，看别人的生活烦恼和作者的建议，有时同意有时不同意，很有趣。一个频繁出现的问题，每次看见我都会笑起来，因为它一出现答案肯定是＂别白费功夫了＂。
这个问题就是，当当当：我怎样才能让他明白XXXX？(How do I make him/her/they understand…?)
我怎样才能让他明白我才是他爱的需要的人？我怎样才能让他看清不应该把那么多钱给父母／前妻／朋友？我怎样才能让我父／母亲明白他们爱我的方式让我很难受痛苦？我怎样才能让我的公婆／岳父母明白他们很愚蠢？我怎样才能让孩子明白我是为他们好？我怎样才能让老板明白我才是他最好的员工？我怎样才能让老公／老婆明白他的婚外恋长不了肯定让他失望？
每一个问这种问题的人，基本上毫无例外，都还生活在自欺欺人的 denial 里。实际上真正有用的问题是：我怎样才能让自己明白，世界上多数的事情都是我无法控制左右的？不仅别人的思想感受行为选择是我无法控制的，其实连自己的命运和感情和性格都有很大一部分无法控制和左右。但有一件事在我们的控制范围之内－－－怎样应付和处理对别人的行为和选择的反应，对外界环境的反应，对逆境和不如意事件的处理。
一天不放弃＂我怎样才能让别人按照我的意图思想和做事＂，就仍然陷在无用的泥潭里裹足不前。
［转博］最无用的问题
That's another of my theories. Optimistic people live optimistic lives. Suspicious, anxious people who are always prepared for the worst are more likely to be miserable and run into the worst situation anyway. It's the so-called self-fulfilling prophecy.
And everything is determined early in life by parents.
That is all.
And everything is determined early in life by parents.
That is all.
此喵已死，有事烧纸
Why not? Xiao E is the perfect specimen.dropby wrote:是不是都应该培养成温室里的花朵?
Children's emotional development is fundamentally influenced by their parents' emotional and psychological qualities.
When they grow up, their life choices and trajectories (what we call "fate") are deeply influenced by their emotional and psychological maturity.
此喵已死，有事烧纸
是滴。我还发现能花钱的人总是有钱可花。。。
Jun wrote:That's another of my theories. Optimistic people live optimistic lives. Suspicious, anxious people who are always prepared for the worst are more likely to be miserable and run into the worst situation anyway. It's the so-called self-fulfilling prophecy.
And everything is determined early in life by parents.
That is all.
现在偶是胡军的扇子。
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orangetabby
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和橙皮猫一样, 我觉得能花钱的人总有能挣钱/省钱的人抗着.qinger wrote:是滴。我还发现能花钱的人总是有钱可花。。。Jun wrote:That's another of my theories. Optimistic people live optimistic lives. Suspicious, anxious people who are always prepared for the worst are more likely to be miserable and run into the worst situation anyway. It's the so-called self-fulfilling prophecy.
And everything is determined early in life by parents.
That is all.
要造得两个人一起造，要省两个人一起省，才过得下去。 乐观不是傻，成天忧心忡忡害怕忧虑天会塌下来自己会受骗遇人都不淑干什么都失败一不留神就证明自己一钱不值。。。才是傻！
为什么象小E 这样开朗愉快有安全感的孩子能过上好日子？因为他们有关心和爱别人的能力，不猜忌不戒备不以阶级斗争为纲不成天抱怨遇事不只看黑暗面不需要天天拉住爱人追问证明自己的价值。谁不爱交这种朋友谈这种恋爱娶/嫁这种人？面对让自己心情愉快的人和让自己不愉快的人过日子或者交朋友，不排除有特别自我牺牲精神的哈，多数还是愿意跟乐观向上不仅有能力自保而且还能帮助别人的人在一起吧？
（跟钱的关系没有，我认为。）
为什么命好的人似乎外界运气也特别好？为什么miserable 的人似乎老碰上倒霉事？不是因为神乎其神的气场命运宇宙能量前世今生之类的原因，道理其实很简单，第一是面对逆境的态度，第二是周围的关系保护网，一个人周围的社会关系，跟他人的联系和互助，对他的人生“运气”好坏有决定性的作用。但这是一个盲点，大多数人选择相信个人奋斗的人生理论而看不见朋友亲人家庭等等社会关系的关键作用。
至于面对逆境的态度，有野外探险经验的人说过了，最危险的，有经验和没经验者的差别，生还者和非生还者的差别，不是体能或者方向感或者其他天赋，而是很大一部分在于panic。如果以迷路就吓垮了，死得最快；镇定的人未必绝对能脱险，但是机会要大很多。
That is all.
为什么象小E 这样开朗愉快有安全感的孩子能过上好日子？因为他们有关心和爱别人的能力，不猜忌不戒备不以阶级斗争为纲不成天抱怨遇事不只看黑暗面不需要天天拉住爱人追问证明自己的价值。谁不爱交这种朋友谈这种恋爱娶/嫁这种人？面对让自己心情愉快的人和让自己不愉快的人过日子或者交朋友，不排除有特别自我牺牲精神的哈，多数还是愿意跟乐观向上不仅有能力自保而且还能帮助别人的人在一起吧？
（跟钱的关系没有，我认为。）
为什么命好的人似乎外界运气也特别好？为什么miserable 的人似乎老碰上倒霉事？不是因为神乎其神的气场命运宇宙能量前世今生之类的原因，道理其实很简单，第一是面对逆境的态度，第二是周围的关系保护网，一个人周围的社会关系，跟他人的联系和互助，对他的人生“运气”好坏有决定性的作用。但这是一个盲点，大多数人选择相信个人奋斗的人生理论而看不见朋友亲人家庭等等社会关系的关键作用。
至于面对逆境的态度，有野外探险经验的人说过了，最危险的，有经验和没经验者的差别，生还者和非生还者的差别，不是体能或者方向感或者其他天赋，而是很大一部分在于panic。如果以迷路就吓垮了，死得最快；镇定的人未必绝对能脱险，但是机会要大很多。
That is all.
Last edited by Jun on 2008-05-21 21:58, edited 1 time in total.
此喵已死，有事烧纸
this is so depressing (oh wait, my true color as a pessimist is showing again!). 
i couldn't agree more with the self-fulfilling prophecy aspect of life. but i think some degree of self-correction is possible, at least for some people under certain conditions. i'm going through that right now and it's made such a difference.
i couldn't agree more with the self-fulfilling prophecy aspect of life. but i think some degree of self-correction is possible, at least for some people under certain conditions. i'm going through that right now and it's made such a difference.Now that happy moment between the time the lie is told and when it is found out.
你们没见过童年好特安全特快活特乐观的人么？我见过，不止一个，而且并不羡慕。不但不羡慕，我觉得自己完全没办法跟那样的人一起生活。人只能在自己熟悉的模式里生活。不管是基因还是教育，我老就是没那么有安全感，需要米缸里有粮银行里有钱衣柜里有鞋，对方不操心不能使我连带的不操心，而会使我感到有替两个人操心的必要。CAVA wrote:乐观当然不傻，有没有盲目乐观的可能呢？而且已经生成一个悲观的人了，倒羡慕乐观的人，可是想乐观也没有那么容易啊。能遇到乐观的伴侣应该不错，也许应该多结交乐观的朋友？Jun wrote:乐观不是傻，成天忧心忡忡害怕忧虑天会塌下来自己会受骗遇人都不淑干什么都失败一不留神就证明自己一钱不值。。。才是傻！
说来说去，你就是你自己，有缺陷有ISSUE没什么大不了的，谁还能一点ISSUE 没有啊，带着继续生活就是了。何必非得弄的那么乐观。
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I just want to stress two points that I nag people about:
1) Do not isolate yourself or trying to fix yourself alone. Trying to pull yourself up by the bootstraps will not get yourself off the ground by an inch. It's very easy (and very common) to fall into the trap of beating yourself up and creating additional anxiety through trying to perfect yourself.
2) There is NO standard picture of what "good" or "best" is. What works for person A may be totally useless or irrelevant to person B. Do not model your aspirations entirely on someone else even if you admire or even that person. First, get to know yourself. Happiness is not the same for everyone.
Self-help is a potentially risky business. The issues and problems that sabotage one's health in the first place may create traps and wrong directions that can derail a person who is groping in the dark, alone.
1) Do not isolate yourself or trying to fix yourself alone. Trying to pull yourself up by the bootstraps will not get yourself off the ground by an inch. It's very easy (and very common) to fall into the trap of beating yourself up and creating additional anxiety through trying to perfect yourself.
2) There is NO standard picture of what "good" or "best" is. What works for person A may be totally useless or irrelevant to person B. Do not model your aspirations entirely on someone else even if you admire or even that person. First, get to know yourself. Happiness is not the same for everyone.
Self-help is a potentially risky business. The issues and problems that sabotage one's health in the first place may create traps and wrong directions that can derail a person who is groping in the dark, alone.
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Poor little E! Now you know why.Early psychological development is important, but scientific evidence is neither complete nor definitive. There is a lot of guide books out there about how to care for babies in early life, but much of it is based on very flimsy science or no science at all. Choose carefully what advice to follow.
I am not an expert in this subject, which is very big and complex. The recommendation that babies should not sleep with adults in the "big bed" is primarily related to the risk of suffocation in the adult's bed and blankets and possibly the risk of being crushed by the adults when they are sleeping.
There are also clinically proven techniques to help infants sleep better and establish regular sleep routine. Consult a pediatric or developmental psychologist/psychiatrist.
Everyone loves to tell everyone else how to raise their children. Old wives' tales, gossip, urban legend, hearsay, are all rampant, adn people swear by a lot of advice that is either unproven or inappropriate to particular babies. Be skeptical.
I am not an expert in this subject, which is very big and complex. The recommendation that babies should not sleep with adults in the "big bed" is primarily related to the risk of suffocation in the adult's bed and blankets and possibly the risk of being crushed by the adults when they are sleeping.
There are also clinically proven techniques to help infants sleep better and establish regular sleep routine. Consult a pediatric or developmental psychologist/psychiatrist.
Everyone loves to tell everyone else how to raise their children. Old wives' tales, gossip, urban legend, hearsay, are all rampant, adn people swear by a lot of advice that is either unproven or inappropriate to particular babies. Be skeptical.
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